Blessed Be God
Over the course of the past year, I've been hit with some struggles, externally and internally. Many times, I was brought to my knees. I have noticed that it's not always the external struggle that is the hardest part, but the internal aspect of it that can increase or decrease our sufferings. How we carry our crosses, or our lack of wanting to carry them, can increase the weight of that cross. This is a hard truth for me, seeing as though I am a professing Christian wanting to be conformed to the image of Christ, who suffered so much, I often despise my own sufferings. One of the many blessings of meditating on Christ's entire life in the daily rosary is that when trials come, we have spent a good amount of time remembering Jesus' trials by meditating on them through the rosary. While I struggle, I think of Jesus in the Agony of Gethsemane, and how He said, "My soul is sorrowful unto death." Shortly after, He sweat blood while agonizing all He was about to endure and was enduring in that moment. His prayer to God the Father was, "If it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.”
The words “Thy will be done” are easy to let come out from my mouth when all is well, but in times of my own agony, to let the those words come from my lips feels like the hardest thing in the world to do, and I still struggle with it. Yet, these words I force myself to utter slowly and quietly each day I struggle. I think about how an angel came to Jesus to comfort Him in the garden, and I know my guardian angel is always there to comfort me too.
Before I became a Christian, I used to look at all the sufferings in the world and claim there was no way there could be a God. If so, how could He allow all of this evil? I thought His followers must surely be stupid for loving a God who clearly didn't love them back enough to rescue them. Ironically enough, I was so hellbent on reviling and hating God even though I claimed he either wasn’t real or that He was indifferent toward His own creation. Eventually, by a miracle, I came to learn, following my conversion, that God allows these trials and sufferings for many different reasons. Jesus Himself had a cross. How could I be spared?
One day I was crying, and trying to utter the words "Blessed be God" and "Not my will be done, but yours." My mom later came to console me, and about an hour later my spirits began to lift. I told her the story of St. Theresa of Avila, and all of the sufferings that Saint endured, and how she had an experience with Jesus where He said to her "This is how I treat my friends," to which she replied jokingly, "If this is how You treat your friends, it is no wonder You have so few!" My mom said to me, "Well see, you still love Him even through all this!" Though I was in despair, I felt some strange joy knowing these crosses could mean He truly is my friend.
I am so grateful for what He did inside of me, and how He was so merciful toward me to wake me up and shine His light on me when I despised Him. When I crowned Him with thorns and drove the nails into His hands. Sometimes I despair on how much I still struggle with sin. I pray He finishes the good work he began inside of me and brings it to completion for the day of Jesus Christ. What I do know is this: Even if I didn't or don't make it to Heaven, which my hope is that I do and that we all do, I am just so grateful anyway. He changed my life and that He truly did save it. Though I still struggle, He truly changed everything. The words "I once was blind, but now I see" aren’t just lyrics to me, they are my story. Even if I did not make it to Heaven, I am just so grateful He changed things for me. I also realize that the way He was able to wake me up and bring me into His light and for me to accept that He was Lord, was through suffering. St. Padre Pio once said, “Blessed be the problem that makes you seek God.” My friend shared this quote with me recently: "Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, this too, was a gift." Even in the darkness, I pray I never lose hope, and never am separated from God. I am thankful for what He has done for me, and How much He suffered for me. Though I still struggle to accept suffering, I know His ways are not mine. Blessed be God.
