Headship of the Husband, Submission of the Wife
This is a very challenging teaching for today's misguided and lost world, where traditional Christian principles no longer have much influence over cultural norms. Even so, it remains a truth of faith that husbands are called to a role of leadership in their marriages and families, whereas wives are given the sacred task of submission to the husband's authority.
Admittedly, this is a difficult teaching to comprehend for so many today who have grown up in an environment of effimenate men who do not know the first thing about true genuine leadership, whose lifestyles are not in conformity to faith and morals. As well, this is a world in which Feminism has instilled so many tragic untruths within the soul of women. And so, with the demonic war waged against marriage and the family, we have women assuming positions of power and being overly dominant, while at the same time we have men who do not know how to behave and think as men, especially in the context of marriage.
It is vitally important for Christians to know the truth of the matter on this topic, especially for those who are in the process of discerning marriage. A woman ought to be discerning whether the man possesses the leadership skills to manage their household both practically and spiritually. Does she see in him a man who will put the spiritual and corporal needs of his family first, and who will lead them on the steps of the narrow path to Heaven? A man ought to be discerning whether the woman will be his helper and support on this task placced on his shoulders. Will she assist him in carrying the cross? Will she pray incessantly for him to fulfill his duties? Will she trust in his God-given role of leading the family, and will she offer her insight to him to help him accomplish this goal?
What is the doctrine of headship and submission? Succintly, it states that husbands have the role of making decisions for the family, and must lead by example in demonstrating sanctity and holiness. His role in decision making applies across the spectrum of temporal needs and eternal ones. As the head, he is also called to imitate the love of Christ towards His Church, in that he lays down his own personal wants and needs in order to place those of his family as the priority. Wives have the role of faithfully submitting to the decisions rendered by their husbands, and to be a model of humility and charity. The wife prays daily for her husband to grow in wisdom, and she also offers her support as a helpmate to him in his undertakings.
In this way, the two truly do become one flesh. In a dance, there is one who leads and one who follows. If both attempt to lead, the dance deteriorates quickly and edifies no one. When one leads and the other follows, the dance flows beautifully and looks majestic. We have so many holy examples from our Tradition: Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Boaz and Ruth, Joachim and Anne, Zachariah and Elizabeth, Joseph and the Blessed Virgin Mary, Aquila and Priscilla, Isidore and Maria de la Cabeza, Louis Martin and Zelie Guerin, and countless more.
Here is some wise advice for husbands that I have given for years now, and have personally sought to utilize myself. While the husband must make decisions for the family, it is a sign of wisdom for him to consult his wife for her insight and discernment. It does not mean he will go with whatever she suggests, but it does mean that he will factor in her God given wisdom to the highest degree for his own discernment, and ultimately, he will make a decision that is most conducive for the holiness of the marriage and family. The wife is called to accept this decision with docility, whether it agrees with her wisdom or contradicts it.
Why do wives take the last name of their husband? Because they are one flesh, and he is the head of the family. Previously, she took the name presumably of her father, since he was the head of the family. Now that God has called the husband to take his bride and become one flesh, he is now the head, and thus the new family will take his name.
Sacred Scripture, Sacred Tradition, and the Magisterium (our three sources of authority as Christians) are all crystal clear on the doctrine of the headship of the husband and the submission of the wife. Let us examine some of the testimony and see what we discover from the guidance of the Holy Ghost.
"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" (Ephesians 5:22-25, 33).
St. Paul here gives the paradigm. Wives submit to their husbands as to the Lord. Notice that St. Paul does not place a limit to this, but rather teaches it as part and parcel to the Christian life. Husbands are called simultaneously to love their wifes in the exact same way that Christ loves His Church. And how did Our Lord love His Bride? It was with a self sacrifical love. He offered His very own life for her. So too, the husband lays down his life for his wife, and she in turn submits to him and respects him, and it is assumed she constantly is praying for him in this regard. This is the beautiful dance that flows majestically, and it is a witness for the broken world today.
Commenting on this passage, St. Ignatius of Antioch, early 2nd century who was ordained by Sts. Peter and Paul and a disciple of St. John, wrote that when wives are subject to their husbands, they "perform all things with harmony in Christ." St. John Chrysostom taught regarding submission, "Such was God's will from the beginning." St. Augustine built on this by writing, "It can not be doubted that it is more consonant with the order of nature that men should have rule over women, not women over men." St. Clement of Alexandria said that St. Paul was clearly teaching that "the man is lord of the woman." St. Gregory Nazianzen noted that "It is well for the wife to reverence Christ through her husband, and it is well for the husband not to dishonor the Church through his wife." St. Aquinas taught it was proper for "the wife to be ruled by her husband."
It must be emphasized strongly that this not a matter for any husband to ever take lightly. His salvation will depend on how he led his wife into the imitation of Christ, and also to what extent he himself imitated Christ in his love for her. There is no room for a secular concept of men demanding wives to do whatever they say out of pride and anger. Husbands must truly embody Christ to their wives. Likewise, there is no room at all for any trace of godless feminism on the part of the wife. She must pray daily for her husband's growth in sanctity, have complete trust in his leadership, and defer to his final judgment. Insofar as both are sacramentally united to Christ by grace, and looking to pious examples such as the Holy Family as their goal and inspiration, this God ordained template of headship and submission will form and mold them truly into Saints.
The Holy Pontiff Pius XI wrote, "This order includes both the primacy of the husband over the wife and children, and the prompt and not unwilling subjection and obedience of the wife... This obedience does not deny or take away the liberty which by full right belongs to a woman, in view of her dignity as a human being and her noble duties as wife, mother, and companion; nor does it demand that she obey ever desire of her husband that is not in keeping with right reason or with her dignity... but it forbids that exaggerated liberty which has no care for the good of the family, where the heart of the family is separated from the head."
Now pay close attention to this beautiful teaching of Pius XI regarding the true role of the wife in the marriage: "If the man is the head, the woman is the heart." This was composed in his magnificent encyclial Casti Connubii. We ought to reflect frequently on how this sentiment is reflected in our marriages. The husband is the head, the wife is the heart. This explains why I wrote earlier that every wise husband knows intuitively to beseech his bride for her insight as well, and he ought to give it precedence above all else in his own ongoing discernment for decisions which impact the family. And as the heart, the wife carries the noble dignity of bringing life to the family through her grace and prayers.
As well, it must be stated as non negotiable that every husband regularly visits with a devout spiritual director, ideally one whom is also their confessor. With so many attacks on husbands today due to the moral depravity of the world, and with so much often being carried on their shoulders, it is imperative that he has recourse to a wise shepherd who is trained in guiding men towards virtue. The value of a spiritual director also provides a more effective means at husbands learning how to make good pious decisions for their family without recourse to pride and through pursuit of genuine humility and fortitude. Aided by the advice of his spiritual director, coupled by the prayers of his wife, as well as a solid devotion to St. Joseph and St. Michael, the husband will be a true and dependable leader for his household.
His Holiness Pope Leo XIII further noted, "Let the wife be subject and obedient, not in the manner of a maidservant but of a companion, so that of course, neithr honor nor dignity will be lacking in the obedience rendered. Let divine charity be the unfailing guide of duty in him who is at the head, and in her who obeys, since both bear the image; the one, of Christ, the other of the Church."
We see that Leo XIII notes the wife as the godly companion to the husband, which further brings credence to her proper role within the marriage, and again which ought to bring holy clarity to the husband as to how he should moderate his duty of headship. She is not meant to be disregarded.
As Proverbs 31 so beautifully states: "She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates."
The rest of Sacred Scripture continues in harmony to teach the headship of the husband and the submission of the wife.
St. Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 11:3, "But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God." St. Paul then expounds on this also signifying why men do not cover their hair in prayer, while women are told to veil themselves. Later in the same letter, St. Paul writes, "The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. If there is anything they desire to learn, let them ask their husbands at home. For it is shameful for a woman to speak in church" (1 Corinthians 14:34-35).
The same sacred writer, inspired by the Holy Ghost, writes in Colossians 3:18, "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them." In 1 Timothy 2:11-14, St. Paul connects the theology behind this principle to Adam and Eve: "Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor." In Titus 2:5, St. Paul teaches that wives ought to, "live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands."
Our first Holy Pontiff, St. Peter, perfectly backs up St. Paul's doctrine when he writes, "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered."
May this sacred revelation from God concerning the headship of the husband and the submission of the wife be a means of abundant graces for those in the vocation of Holy Matrimony. And may it forge us as Saints, especially in this dark age where the Sacrament of Matrimony, and all that is entailed with it, is mocked and disregarded and forgotten.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, we love you. Save souls.
