Ten Commandments for a Holy Marriage

This past November marked my 17 year wedding anniversary with my pathway to Heaven, my wife Carolanne. We were young when we both received the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony, inside a small traditional Catholic church with a Tridentine Latin Mass. While we both had strong formation in the teachings of our faith, we still had much to learn in imitating Christ and growing in holiness. And we still, presently, have much to learn. The sacred school of sanctification is a lifelong process, and we have each other to help us apply the lessons of life that God sends our way.

Anyone who knows us, certainly knows our imperfections. Hopefully, they also know our desire to keep taking a step forward with every two steps back when it comes to being ever more faithful in our vocation and our walk with Christ. The Christian life is truly one of continuous baby steps. Where would any of us be without God’s grace? He is truly a merciful and patient God. We do not have it all locked down perfectly, but we do have certain practices that have greatly helped us these past 17 years. I write them all here with the hope and prayer that they will be of benefit to your marriage as well. If a husband and wife are not constantly trying to make Saints of one another, then they are missing out on the primary purpose of why God brought them together and united them as one flesh.

So here are ten non-negotiable commandments for every Catholic marriage to follow in order to bring glory to God, a stumbling block to the Devil, and create a staircase for their spouse to ascend the heights of holiness all the way to Heaven.

1. Morning and Evening Prayer. Always begin your day with prayer together. If you are not currently doing this, start it tomorrow. Your spouse will love you for suggesting a morning prayer. We begin each day by reflecting on a Saint of the Day (we go through the traditional list found in Butler’s Lives of the Saints), and then we ask that Saint for their intercession for us, the Church, and the world. We then ask the Divine Will to fuse Itself within to our human wills, so that everything we want and do that day is ideally what God would want and do. This is followed with a daily act of consecration to Our Queen, Mother Mary, entrusting to her our eyes, our ears, our lips, and our hearts; our whole being, without reserve. We then invoke the special intercession of St. Joseph, giving to him our private intentions for his help and protection. After that, we turn to Our Lord with our Morning Offering, giving to Him all of our prayers, works, joys, and sufferings, in union with the Masses said throughout the world, for all the intentions of His Sacred Heart. Finally, we invoke the assistance of our Guardian Angels. In the afternoon, we pray the noon Angelus, ask for the Holy Ghost to enkindle within us the fire of His Love, seek the powerful intercession of St. Michael the Archangel, and then conclude with the Golden Arrow prayer as Our Lord revealed to Sr. Mary of St. Peter. One of the beautiful things of consistent evening prayer is that, no matter what has transpired that day, whether good, bad, or ugly, the day always concludes with prayer. God is brought into the start of the day, and He is brought into the conclusion of the day. No matter what.

2. Daily Rosary. We pray the Rosary every evening. Sometimes we may have plans, so the Rosary might be prayed later on or even earlier. But the non-negotiable rule is that it must be prayed together at least once a day. The Rosary carries with it many amazing promises from the Blessed Virgin Mary, and is the sure fire way to allow peace to reign in the home. Our Lady has repeatedly asked the faithful to recite it daily, in many of her apparitions. Every marriage must turn to this powerful devotion, so that together you can both meditate on the life of Christ through the eyes of Mary, His Mother and ours. We conclude our Rosary each night with a decade of the Sacred Heart Chaplet for the Holy Souls in Purgatory. If you are praying for them, you can rest assured they are praying for your marriage as well.

3. Total Consecration, with the annual renewal. We encourage all Catholic families to do the 33 day Total Consecration to Jesus in Mary, via the traditional method of St. Louis de Montfort (our recommendation). This spirituality is also known as the Holy Slavery, and inherent to this devotion is the faithful wearing of the Blessed Scapular, which is the hidden yet outward sign of one’s Consecration. And then, renew it once a year. Every year, we renew our Consecration between July 13th to August 15th, concluding on the Solemn Feast of the Assumption. We utilize the Preparation for Total Consecration handbook put together by the Montfort Fathers. This devotion will bring so much spiritual fruit and blessing to your marriage. It will challenge you each individually, and as well bring many graces to the two of you together. Be faithful to it. Do the daily prayers, read the daily reflections, and discuss with each other the inspirations that God is bringing to you every step of the way. The Consecration brings your marriage right into the hands of Mary, the best place it could possibly be.

4. Eucharistic Adoration. Early on, when we were just dating, we made Eucharistic Adoration a regular habit. Even as teenagers, we would try to go once a week. As the years have gone on, we have turned to Adoration frequently through all the ups and downs of life. When we found out we were pregnant, we went to adore Our Lord in the Eucharist. When we discovered our children had both graduated early to Eternity via miscarriage, we went to adore Our Lord in the Eucharist. When family members and friends and loved ones have passed away, we went to adore Our Lord. When we have needed direction on an issue or when life has through us some curveballs, we went to adore Our Lord. Jesus speaks very powerfully to the heart at Adoration. We encourage frequent Holy Hours. In fact, for our 17 year anniversary, I asked Carolanne what she wanted to do, and she immediately said, “Let’s go to Adoration.”

5. Make Mass the priority. This is the primary non negotiable of all of them. Never ever miss one Sunday Mass. Ever. Not one. Always go to Mass together. St. Pio once said, “The world would exist easier without the sun than without one single Mass.” Imagine how much your marriage benefits from faithfully attending Mass together. This is such a crucial point that in a sense overrides all the rest. If there is one change to make that positively assists a marriage in holiness, it is the firm resolve to never miss Sunday Mass together. We recommend finding a good Tridentine Latin Mass near you. One good resource to check out is http://www.traditio.com. The Latin Mass offers an aesthetically transcendent Liturgy which directs the mind, heart, and soul towards Heaven from start to finish. Begin going to Mass each week, sanctify the day by keeping it centered on God, and receive the Holy Eucharist in a state of grace.

6. Spiritual discussions, especially on the readings and homily of the Mass. Whenever we leave Mass, we normally discuss our thoughts on the readings and the homily. “Did you have any inspirations from God in the readings? What did you gain from the homily?” These are important conversations to have. Let them carry on into your week and make them normative in your life together. Enjoy frequent conversations about life, eternity, the faith, etc. Do not just drown out your week with television and cell phones. Every now and then, put a pause on routine daily life and ask, “What do you think God is asking of us right now in life?” Talk about the Four Last Things (death, judgment, Heaven, or Hell). Discuss the events of the day and discern their perspective from the lens of Eternity.

7. Acts of self-sacrificial charity. St. Paul wrote to the Ephesians, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the Church.” Well, how did Christ love the Church? He gave His entire life for her, His bride. Even to the Cross. And thus, our marriages ought to be a glimpse or reflection of this divine love. We should be striving to look for opportunities to see a need and then take the initiative. It is a beautiful way to model the Holy Family. Ask St. Joseph and Mother Mary for their assistance in this. Spouses do not need fancy houses and large bank accounts and lavish vacations, even though this is the template that the world tries to sell us on. Not that such things are inherently evil, just that they are absolutely never necessary, nor should any marriage base its happiness on such things. Spouses need small acts rooted in great charity. Consider the Little Way model of St. Therese, who found sanctity and holiness in acts as simple as washing dishes or making the bed. A husband and wife should look for ways to serve the other out of love for God and love for each other. This is not always easy to do, but the Christian life does not present us with an easy path. As Our Lord said, the path which leads to eternal life is difficult and narrow. Be among the holy few who discover this narrow path, and in so doing, discover the true source of genuine happiness and holiness.

8. Help one another become Saints. The vocation to Holy Matrimony means you are each helping one another grow closer to God, until death do you part. Assist each other, charitably and humbly, in pursuing virtue and combatting vices. This is easier said than done, and it requires much patience, compassion, mercy, gentleness… basically, the fruit of the Holy Spirit. So ask Him to help you in this. But stick with it. Lovingly correct one another should you find one stuck in a bout of sin, even if venial. And encourage one another to keep practicing the virtues: chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility. Remember, your primary purpose in life, once married, is to help your spouse get to Heaven. You ought to care about your spouse’s soul more than anything else in this world, all to God’s greater glory. God wants your spouse to be a great and mighty Saint. And He has placed you permanently in their life to help them with this. And remember, it goes both ways! So gratefully and humbly accept correction, even when it stings a bit. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, frequently make use of the Sacrament of Confession, and in all things, pray.

9. Practice the Works of Mercy together. This particular point has been literally a God send in our marriage. As you know, life can be difficult, and hard days are guaranteed to come. The Works of Mercy provide a great opportunity to put the needs of others as more important than your own, even if for a time. And this is therapeutic in dealing with the storms surrounding your own life. Make this intentional. Try to find time where you both can bring food and water to the homeless. Go to a cemetery together and pray for the souls of the Faithful Departed. Pray the Rosary in front of an abortion clinic together. Visit a lonely relative. Treat someone you normally do not get along with too easily, out to a dinner. Or for coffee, even. Forgive those who can be difficult and provide challenges to us. When practicing the Works of Mercy, always keep charity as the goal, which means the work is being performed for the love of God, and for the love of neighbor rooted in the love of God. You will find many hidden graces in making this a regular part of your marriage. Be creative, and find joy in bringing Christ to others in need, and also finding Christ through others in need.

10. Remember your primary vocation – It’s “Us vs. the World.” We read right from the onset of Genesis that a husband wil leave his father and mother, be joined to his wife, and the two will then become one flesh. Always keep this centered in your heart. You are one flesh with your spouse. You are no longer divided as isolated individuals. And, “what God has brought together, no man can separate.” Do not let anything get in between this sacred calling. Allegiance does not belong primarily to family, friends, colleagues, work, leisure activities, etc. Your primary purpose in life is your marriage, and the two of you, as one, must be a strong fortress. The only way to do this is to keep your marriage rooted and grounded in Christ, and indwelt with the Holy Spirit through sanctifying grace. It’s “You vs. the World,” and in Holy Matrimony, “You” is defined as “The two shall become one flesh.” Let nothing take precedence over this. Remember frequently why you fell in love with your spouse, and find new reasons to fall in love. Enjoy actively listening to your spouse. Share moments of laughter. Go through hardship together, even when it involves tears. Go for long walks, holding hands at times. Remember that your spouse is your best friend, and is also the person God designated to help you get to Heaven. “In rich and in poor, sickness and in health, good times and bad times, till death do you part,” this is your sacred duty. This is why you are both together. To frustrate the plans of the Devil, to crush the heads of demons, to glorify and praise Almighty God, to bring joy to the Angels and Saints of Heaven, to help each other bring the light of Christ to this dark world, to point each other’s gaze always to Heaven, to practice and learn the virtuous life, to reveal the love of God to the world around you, and to show Christ to one another.

We do not have it all locked in perfectly. We are learning, one day at a time, one step at a time. And, God willing, our steps will one day culminate with Heaven, where we will have all eternity together, as Saints in glory. Carolanne and I met as soldiers in the trenches of the Church Militant. But with the help of God, and the intercession of our Queen Mary, our Patron Saints, our Guardian Angels, and the entire Heavenly Court, we will one day both be glorifying God together in the presence of the Beatific Vision as members of the Church Triumphant. Keep us in your prayers. And for those of you reading, if God does not ordain for us to meet you in this life, hopefully we will catch you on the other side.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. We love you. Save souls. Amen.