Ask Emily: Perseverance in Spiritual Dryness & Parental Exhaustion

Question:

"What can I do about spiritual dryness increased through exhaustion from generally being a parent?"

Answer:

I think it is important for us to realize that God objectively is something, apart from us and our subjective feelings about Him. Some days when we approach prayer and spiritual things, we do so easily, with energy, and we get pleasures and consolations from our effort. Other days it is harder, we feel sluggish and distracted, and it feels as though "nothing good" came out of our prayer time. If we are not feeling well, if we are suffering from sleep deprivation or we are heavily distracted, then this aversion to and frustration with prayer can be heightened.

However, it's important for us to remember that these feelings are our own fluctuating human emotions which are subject to change day to day. Despite our human weaknesses, God remains the same. If we feel extremely happy, God is the same. If we feel extremely sad, God is the same. This is important for us to understand because our prayer life cannot be based on personal feelings. It is not true that "if I enjoyed my prayer time, it was good" or "if I did not enjoy my prayer time, it was bad." In reality, God regards the heart and the will, not the feelings. In fact, many saints would argue that praying despite dryness and distraction is actually more meritorious, for it is then that we come to God not through a burst of energetic enthusiasm, but through a sheer effort of our will. As St. Teresa of Avila once said, "God's true lovers are discovered in times of aridity and temptation." In other words, when we persisted in doing something despite its difficulty, out of love for God.

With this in mind, we must understand that prayer is God calling us to Him. When we choose to enter into prayer, we are opening ourselves up to Him Who is always there and always the same. It’s a matter of opening our soul to God, much in the same way a flower gently opens itself to the sun.

The efficaciousness of our prayer (that is, whether it produces an effect or not) relies not on us, but on God. It is our part to seek, it is God's part to grant. It is our part to make a beginning, it is God's part to bring it to completion. It is our part to offer what we can, it is God's part to finish what we cannot. Our part is to put in whatever effort we are capable of, but God is in charge of the outcome. If we approach God in prayer with a good will and an honest effort, then we must also be satisfied with the outcome He gives to them.

I hope this takes the pressure off. Prayer doesn't have to be perfect to be good. If we are making an honest effort to lift our hearts and minds to God out of love for Him, this is good prayer. The best proof of our love is loyalty to God and to our duties, even when things go wrong. Our part is to do our best and then accept the results (good or bad) as God's holy will.

Further, prayer does not need to take place in a specific place or specific time. It can happen anywhere, anytime. It can happen in a rocking chair while soothing a baby; it can happen on the living room floor while a toddler is playing with trains; it can happen in the kitchen over a sink full of dirty dishes or while stirring a pot at the stove. It is good to have a family altar in the main part of the house, a place with images, candles and books that can facilitate our prayer. It is good for your children to witness you kneeling down and praying, or opening the Bible. Your children will learn to pray by seeing you pray, so it shouldn't only happen when they are napping and the house is quiet. They don't even have to join you; I assure you just witnessing your example is deeply impactful.

Your prayer can even be a prayer asking for help to pray. "Lord, I want to pray. I love you and want to draw near to you during these busy days. But I'm so involved in my work and I'm so tired, my prayers feel rushed and distracted. Can you help me to pray better? Can you teach me how to pray in a way that is pleasing to You?"

And finally, our interruptions from prayer can be a prayer. We have to stop seeing all the unpleasant things as interruptions from God's will. The truth is that the interruptions are God's will, that he sends us day by day. God does not want you to ignore your children, your home, or your duties. Monsignor Paul Lejeune counsels us thus: "Your lives are very active and filled with occupations which consume almost all of your time. Do these occupations estrange you from God? No, certainly not, provided they are spiritualized by a superior principal and supernatural intention. These occupations are the duties of your state: consequently, they are the expression of the will of God in your regard."

We often wonder: "What is God's will for me?" Well, let me tell you: it is your duty. It is the average and ordinary things that present themselves each and every day. "How easily we could win Heaven day by day," says St. John Vianney, "just by doing what we have to do -- but doing it for God!"