Testimonies of women healing from their abortions:

Thank you to the brave women who have shared their stories. The following stories were submitted to co-founder of ROTK Nina Leone. If you would like to share yours, contact her.

“This is something I have been wanting to speak on for a very long time, but have been waiting and praying for the right moment. I have also been experiencing some anxiety about sharing this testimony, and I know it is because the enemy wants to silence me, condemn me, and make sure I don’t get my story out to others who are living the same narrative so that maybe, they can see their way out of the darkness, too.

I have a big opinion about this bill and here is why - Because I know both situations. I have two beautiful children, but I’ve also experienced the emptiness of abortion. In my life, I have been lukewarm in my walk with Christ, and I’ve also been on fire for Him. The latter is where I find myself these days, and it’s what radically changed my life and perspective. I share this with you from the other side because I want to show you that it is easy for any one of us to be swayed into following the ways of the world, without thinking twice, without any repercussions.

Having two children by two different men has not been easy, it’s not the way I pictured my life initially, it isn’t the white-picket fence story we all picture when we decide to settle down someday and have children. But can I tell you something? GOD MAKES A WAY. And none of it was by mistake. I would not trade it for any other way now that I see how it came together. You will never be able to mess your life up so badly that you are suddenly outside of God’s will for you. Despite what you feel, or what you’ve been told, your pregnancy is not accidental.

Here’s what I can tell you. Abortion is not a “right” tacked onto everyday women’s healthcare. Abortion is a lie straight from the enemy to distort and further stray from God’s plan for the family unit as it was intended. Abortion is murder. If a pregnant mother can succumb to fatal trauma, but deliver a healthy child in the process, a mother and her child MUST be two separate entities. Abortion kills one, and impacts the other forever. Let’s discuss the science that only seems to apply during political banter.

Scripture tells us, “The Enemy Comes To Kill, Steal, And Destroy”, so when I tell you that the battle for YOU and your UNBORN child is SPIRITUAL, I mean it. I made two different appointments at this clinic. The first time, I drove all the way there, ended up driving right past the entrance and I never showed up. I just remember blurting out, “Thank you Jesus” in my car and I pulled over. I started bawling. I could feel the pull for my mind, but at that point God was still fighting for me and my baby. I made another appointment a week later, and this time, I ashamedly went through with it. The air is so thick when you step onto one of those properties, because you know what is going on on the inside. It’s literally a graveyard inside of a building. And say what you will, no matter what side you’re on, no one makes an abortion appointment and shows up celebrating.

I took the pill at the facility (they make you take it there before you leave, probably before you leave and come to your senses) and they chalk it up to being like “a heavy period” to try and make it seem less than what it really is. The next morning, I watched my precious baby fall out of my body. I cried and screamed and begged for God’s forgiveness. I came clean to the ones closest to me. I was in one of the darkest seasons of my life when it happened. I had isolated myself, I wasn’t eating, I didn’t even tell my own friends or my mom what was going on inside my head for fear of judgement, I figured I could just bare the load all on my own. But at the same time, I was on the verge of my breakthrough towards a real relationship with Jesus, and the enemy knew that.

Women right now are literally in the streets BEGGING for the right to murder their unborn children, screaming, celebrating. I was never quite there, but, you look around and can’t deny that GOOD people are being led astray by the evil slowly overtaking this world. The shift in energy is so evident to all of us in these times. We have to pray for these people because they know not what they do.

I look at my son, and I see redemption. Before his birth I felt like God was going to “punish” me (rightfully so) through my son’s health perhaps, for the choice I had made for my other baby before Isaiah was conceived. But He doesn’t work like that. Another lie from the enemy - that God wants us to suffer in our mistakes. I know that even in that darkness, Jesus was with me, weeping with me when I wept, sad over my decision, but still holding me in that cold room. He loves us as a real Father should. I share my story because you need to know you are not alone. Your baby is not a mistake. You don’t have to numb yourself to go through that. Your life is not over. There are so many non-profits, churches, agencies, and neighbors just waiting to help you and your baby, there are also families trying so hard to be able to have and love a baby.

When you use rape, poverty, and foster care as a reason for abortion as a necessity, you are in-turn telling the millions of people who were conceived in, or have overcome these circumstances, that their life is not valuable. Our worth as humans isn’t conditional, it is inherent. If we assign human rights based on development, then we don’t really believe in human rights. New, budding life is precious as soon as it begins. “People will still find ways to do it” - I’m sure they will. But that is a heart problem, and should have nothing to do with the fate for the innocent life growing inside of you. As mothers, we should ALWAYS fight for our children - from the very beginning.

Jesus does not condemn you. I’m sorry if you’ve gotten a bad taste for Him based on people representing His Kingdom poorly. If you’ve made many mistakes in this life, come sit by me sister.

Let’s say you don’t even have a relationship with God yet, but if you believe that “everything happens for a reason”- until you get pregnant unplanned, you’re not really living out that belief anyway. We must get out of our own way, stop trying to play God, and let our lives unfold organically moment by moment. If you dig deep enough to pinpoint the emotion you feel when experiencing an unplanned, unwanted, pregnancy - you will realize the emotion is fear. And fear is NOT an emotion sent to us from our Father.

This is without a doubt something I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I believed the hype and the lies and the chanting and the celebrating that what I was doing wasn’t really such a big deal, that it wasn’t a “REAL” baby yet (even though that’s what it would have been). If you’ve bought into that lie as well, know that you are loved and forgiven, and we will meet our babies again one day at the gates of Heaven. Until then we do the best we can, and we help other women see God’s love for them and the growing life inside of them. At any time you can change your views, standards, and beliefs. #Texas #TheHeartbeatBill #ProChoiceToProLife #ProLife #ChooseLife”

—Karli

“Hi Nina. I’d like to share anonymously. I’m sick to my stomach and feel like I can’t breathe. It’s been 7 years this October when I made the horrific and cruel choice to kill my baby girl that was 17 weeks in the womb. Yes. 17 weeks. I remember when I got an ultrasound I *knew* she was a girl. I wanted to keep her, but my boyfriend at the time (I later dumped him for this) said he would not support me and wanted to be free. This first thing my mother said to me when I told her was that “you can’t even take care of yourself.” It was true. I was an alcoholic without a job struggling with bipolar disorder, addicted to adderall, addicted to alcoholic, and weed. I was supremely brainwashed by the liberal agenda and believed that since it was legal it was totally okay. My doctors did not inform me of what my choice entailed. I force myself to watch the gruesome videos of what I did to my baby so I can face the truth of what I did. And there is no worse feeling on this planet than knowing you could brutally murder your own child. I am sobbing as I write this. I know Jesus forgives but I don’t want Him to. I feel like i deserve all the hell i got. I completely lost myself. I used to be a dancer and I stopped being able to move. I went deeper into depression and alcoholism. I am now 3 years sober from alcohol and Jesus has healed me so much. He has healed me from PTSD due to an abusive mother, rape, childhood molestation and many other traumas that He has fully healed. But this is one that is so hard to heal because I don’t deserve it. I hate myself for it. Thank you for sharing these stories. It really helps to know I’m not alone. And thank you for speaking up against abortion. I don’t know if there is anything worse a woman can do than murder her own child. God Bless you.”

— Anonymous

Hi. Please, I would like to remain anonymous. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story. It's comforting to know I am not alone, yet so heartbreaking to feel the collective trauma of women - we are lied to, it's not health care. It's murder, and that weight is the heaviest thing a human can carry.

I had one when I was 20. I was seeing a married man, and it was my first time having sex. We used protection. When my period didn't show up, I couldn't believe it. I was angry. I was ashamed. I thought my life was over. I was one semester away from graduating university. I called my mom and told her, she was upset. I told her I was going to get rid of it (secretly wishing she would say "no! you can do it!"), she was crying, but told me she couldn't help me.

I was a poor college student, in a sinful relationship, and I was ashamed. I had to quietly remove the shame. I immediately called to make an appt. I told the father I was getting rid of it. He was so sad. His father even offered me $10k to keep it. But I was set, I believed my life was over if I kept it, and nothing could convince me otherwise. The day of my appt, on my way home from work I called my mom and told her I'm going to keep it, a wave of hope came over me and I felt I could do it. She told me no, I had to do it, and that I would be ok.

The father met me at my place to pick me up the day of, and we went. We sat in the lobby waiting with a handful of men, and when I went to the back, I sat with the women. All hooked up to IV's, given pain medication so we wouldn't feel a thing. Everyone was smiling. I had opted for the pills, but when I met for the consulatation, the doctor told me he could do it for me right then. I went in for an ultrasound and heard the heartbeat. The tech asked me if I wanted to see, but I declined. I was muted, I couldn't handle the reality of what I was about to do. I chose to feel nothing. When it was over, I felt nothing. No shame. No regret. I was free! Mistake erased. That feeling lasted about 8 months, then the subtle reminders came. They kept creeping up until I couldn't handle the weight of it.

Later that year I became severly depressed, and wanted to kill myself. I had the worst periods of my life, bleeding for months at a time. I almost died. I believed that was God's wrath for my choice. I'm still with the father, now married, and we talk about it often. We wonder what life would've been like, how beautiful that baby would've been, how we would've worked it out. The memory of what we did haunts us. We still haven't been able to get pregnant. I cry about it more so now than ever, especially seeing people say "it's just a clump of cells, my body, my choice, etc." The trauma resurfaces, and I replay that blip of time over and over again in my mind. It's been over five years.

I've come to Jesus and have laid my sorrows at the alter, I've repented, I've been forgiven. I refuse to let the darkness come over me, I refuse to accept the lies we are told, and the devil IS a liar. I would never encourage anyone to do what I did, the trauma that comes along with it is not worth it. There is no easy decision, but there is a right one. Choose life. God will see you through it.

—Anonymous

Hi Nina, you've probably heard of me through my godparents.
I've been reading all of the stories you have shared about different people. I dont normally share mine but with everything thats going on... why not....mom was 17 when she was drugged and raped. I am the result of rape. When her mom (my grandma) found out she was pregnant at 6 months (my mom tried hiding the pregnancy until she couldnt) The first thing that was thrown at her was abortion. You see, our family is very traditional old fashion mexican family. God forbid you become pregnant while living at your parents and not being married. My mom was terrified, They went to the clinic and while they were explaining everything to my mom and grandma. My mom ran out. She took off with out looking back and chose life! She chose me! It was everything but easy. They sent her away, they hid her from family and when I was born they hid us both, putting us in closets when family would visit. She ended up leaving me at 2 months old. Leaving me with the same woman who dragged her to the abortion clinic (my grandma) my grandparents eneded up raising me and man did i grown on them...the love they had for me was beyond. I can't thank my mom enough for everything that she did for me. I love her so much as I do my grandparents. I cant complain about my upbringing, i was given everything i wanted. My mom has been happily married to my step dad ( hes awesome, i love him) and gave me 3 amazing siblings. We have such a great relationship, and as for Me, I'm living my best life. Happily married to my amazing husband, we have a beautiful family, careers, our dream home, Life is great, it's so beautiful, and full of blessings! God is good! My mom and I get to enjoy everything this life has to offer because she chose life.
My mom after being drugged and raped CHOSE LIFE!

—Anonymous

I was 18 years old when I had my abortion and already a mother of a 2 year old. I was broken, and I felt I had no other options. I remember pulling into the clinic in Houston Texas and seeing all the picketers. I was so scared. I remember watching videos that were required and I also remember the feeling of regret just sitting there. Finally, they called me back. I remember lying on that table feeling disgusted. Not sure if it was disgust of doing something that I knew was wrong, but the only way to describe the feeling was I felt violated. Felt molested and the procedure hadn’t even started yet. I remember as they were getting ready to put the anesthesia mask on me, I said, I can’t do this! And I tried to get up, and I remember the doctor putting his hand on my inner thigh and said you’re gonna be okay, as the continued to put the mask on my face. I woke up empty and sad. I knew God didn’t want this for me and I knew I didn’t want this for me either. I rarely speak on this because

I’m so ashamed. I knew morally that this wasn’t right yet I still showed up for the appointment. The father of aborted baby was against the procedure because I was the second girl to abort on of his babies. He did give me half the money for the procedure but I couldn’t ask him to go with me. I remember feeling ashamed when I saw him afterwards. We grew apart, I moved away and honestly, I put all those emotions and feelings in the back of my head. But God convicted my heart throughout all these years. I would have a 19 year old. I finally spoke to God asking him to forgive me and to heal me from the inside out. I was able to reach out to the father of my aborted baby, and just apologize. He told me he forgave me and he often thinks of what our baby would be like. I would be lying if I said, my heart is completely healed, because it’s not. God has helped me get through this. I don’t deserve his forgiveness and grace, I can say I know God is with me every step of healing I take. — Anonymous

There’s still so much shame in this admission.....even 25 years later.....I was so far from God and when I found out at 19 I was simply lost. In a relationship where I was begging to be loved, he was simply unattached emotionally to me and even told me to have my mom or friend to take me an hour away for the abortion (ew I hate even typing that.) Years later, I had three miscarriages in a row after marriage and assumed I was being punished. Since I’ve had three beautiful children and am amazingly blessed with an adopted daughter as well. I want to scream to everyone I know that I did this and PLEASE DON’T. Nobody deserves this lifelong burden. But I know even years later, I’d CRUSH my dad if he knew.

I’ll carry this internal sadness until I die. The ease of access in hindsight is disturbing. I had a dream about “her” one night, and I like to think it was God saying “I forgive you, she’s doing great.”

I think conviction came with the deepening of my faith and finding myself. It definitely happened at a time where I was not only far from God, I was so far from who I thought I wanted to be. I can only imagine how many women feel the same shame. And it’s one where you know that God has forgiven you, and you should forgive yourself, but that’s not so easy. —Anonymous

I had an abortion at age 20 when I was a heavy drug user. My family convinced me that abortion was the right thing to do because I was a piece of shit drug addict (my mother’s exact words). Almost a decade later the decision still haunts me. I knew deep down what I was doing was wrong, but did it anyway because I was convinced it was the right decision.

—Anonymous

I'd like to be one who says... I was 23. No one supported the fact that I wanted that baby. I felt so alone pressured, bullied and caved to family and my partner. I made the heartbreaking decision to abort the baby I knew I wanted. A fear-based decision that haunts me to this day. I'm 36 I have two beautiful babies that I hold ever so close. For years i feared God would punish means that I’d never be able to have a child after what I had done. (I repented Vigorously Begging for forgiveness and for God to heal my broken heart.) My heart was broken. My spirit gone. For years I suffered from depression that I hid from everyone. How could I show them my pain when they had no emotion about it. They were the ones who pushed me to do the very thing I didn’t want to. Still to this day it hurts, kills me in fact to talk about and that brief solution continues to break my heart.forever I’ll wonder who that beautiful person would have grown up to be. Never again will this happen to me.

—Anonymous

Hi Nina. I only recently started following you. I was watching your video about Abby Johnson and many others.. and wanted to talk about my story with you. So I’m 35, from Canada and when I was 18 I had an abortion..which I wish I could take back every single day since. But I remember when I had it done ..it was not pp..honestly I was so young that I went to any place the walk in clinic recommended to me
I was prob 10 weeks, maybe 11 weeks at most pregnant. I didn’t know bc I was having periods..I mean I thought they were periods at least.

I remember walking in with my bf (husband now) and registering for my appointment. My husband came with me, but they told him he had to wait in the waiting room there.
Then they get u to talk to a therapist in a separate and private room to make sure you are actually making a willing choice. At the time I was 18 and I felt so pressured by everyone around me telling me I had to, and I had no one to tell me I didn’t have too. My boyfriend (husband now) was scared shitless and was not ready for this. Nor did he want anyone in his family to know. He honestly at the time was so scared he just wanted me to have an abortion. Regardless I asked a few of my most closest friends, and my sister and they all said I had to and there was no other choice.

I’m from Afghanistan so needless to say I def couldn’t go to my parents for support. In fact at the time I had just got kicked out of my parents house bc they had found out bout my bf. I had no where to live, I was staying with my best friend, I had no job, and I felt I had no choice.

So when talking to the therapist I remember trying to be cold about it all, expressing I had no choice and it was what had to happen. They said I could have it and place it for adoption but I knew and I told them that would never happen, bc I would never be able to give my child up for adoption. If I were to have it I would want to keep it. But that wasn’t possible in my mind or my eyes in that moment.

After that I remember leaving that room and entering another room which was larger and looked kind of like a waiting room with many offices within it. There were girls and women of all ages in there. One section of that room was full of recovery beds, with women who had just finished their abortions. The other side was girls or women who were waiting for their turn.

There was one room where the door was open and they were doing ultrasounds on some women, they did not offer me one tho. Not sure why and how they determine if u got one or not. I do remember at that time I didn’t want to bc I didn’t want to know the sex of the baby or to see it.
While waiting at one point they told me to take a pill by mouth, and they said once I took it I couldn’t change my mind about the procedure. And I took the pill, I so wish I didn’t.

When It was my turn I went into a room which was small and had a steel like bed. I remember standing and them asking me to sit on that cold, hard, steel like bed. When I was in the room and the doctor came in, my heart was beating so hard and I just didn’t want to do it anymore. And I remember saying quickly “I change my mind, I don’t want this anymore.”Even though they had told me I wasn’t able to change my mind after swallowing that pill.
The doctor stared at me and the nurse said unfortunately that wasn’t an option now. As I was screaming no, there were like 6 nurses holding me down while the doctor completed the abortion. This was 2004 so I don’t know how it was done, I def know it wasn’t suction tho. I feel like he used some kind of instrument to pull it all out.

After 5 mins of horror it was done, they took me to recovery section outside that room and I was just crying and crying and crying.
The therapist and staff seemed very annoyed and I remember just ignoring them and continuing to scream “noo” and cry much harder. “My baby, my baby. I want my baby back!!” There was another women laying on a bed next to me, who reached her hand out and took mine. I held on so tight and she just cried with me. I told her “I begged them to stop, I begged and begged and they wouldn’t listen. I told them no and they didn’t stop.” The staff was at that point telling me to calm down. The lady next to me holding my hand, told them that I was just a kid and they should understand I was traumatized.

She had also said she had done this once before and she knows my pain. I wondered why she had done it again if she knew the pain that came with it. But I didn’t ask or say anything bc she was a comfort to me in that moment. The other women recovering were also very annoyed with me. I was so distraught they allowed my husband to come in there to calm me down, which helped. We left and I cried all the way home and had to seek therapy for many many years afterwards. My husband realized at that point that I was totally fucked up from it and since has blamed himself, he says he failed me. And I know I made a choice at the end of the day and that was not on him, it was on me.

I had kept four journals, for many years I would write to my baby. Apologizing, begging for forgiveness. It was part of my therapy. I would write to him, I felt it was a boy ..and I would recognize his age if he would have been born, and how sorry I was for failing him. I still have those journals, along with all my papers and medical records for the pregnancy. It’s all I have left of the baby I killed.

My husband and I have a son now. He was born 2019 and I was 33 years old.
I had one miscarriage 4 months prior to being pregnant with him.
I also recently had another miscarriage after trying for 9 months this past June.
I am 35, turning 36 in November. I am currently pregnant now 2-3 weeks and I’m absolutely terrified I will lose this one too.

I feel god is punishing me bc he gave me a beautiful gift, and I killed it. So now he’s making sure I get what I deserve. I guess to teach me a lesson, to make it difficult for me if I want a baby..which I can’t blame God for wanting to teach me a lesson.

Hello! I have a child of rape. I was 18 years old. My first thought was obviously abortion. Everyone around me told me to abort. Except one person… they said “you would be a good mother.” I ended up going through my pregnancy. Not going to say it was always easy. It’s not easy raising a baby alone at such a young age. I struggled ALOT! But she is my best friend and a gift from God. I can’t picture my life without her. Even a rape baby has a purpose in this life! Even though the circumstances are not ideal, it’s possible. I’m now married and have another baby. I know for a fact, I wouldn’t have been successful in life Without my child I had so young. A life is a life no matter how they can about. I don’t think rape is am excuse for killing am innocent life. Coming from someone whose been in that situation.

—Anonymous.

So, your page has prompted me to admit the abortion I had when I was 21, I grew up in a strict home. The one thing that was absolutely intolerable was to embarrass your parents. I ended up pregnant. My boyfriend at the time ended up agreeing to an abortion. I really never wanted to to it but I was so scared. There was no way I could have a baby on my own. I wasn’t sure how he felt about me and a baby. He took me to the clinic and I left my socks in my bag. I probably did that on purpose. I was a nurse. I knew I would need them. The doctor said do you have socks? You may want them. I went out to get them crying hoping my BF would say… let’s get married, I want this baby. But he handed me the socks, and back in I went. Well it’s been 33 years. I married him, we had three beautiful children together. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret what I did. I always wonder what he or she may have become. I had no issues getting pregnant. But I had issues carrying my kids to term. I often

thought I was being punished for what I did. I have the hardest time forgiving myself and my husband for not stopping me. I often think that is why our marriage ended. Killing your baby, for me is something I have the hardest time living with. Every day is just another day I wonder what would have become of my child. I swore, I would always be there for my kids. I would never make them feel alone. I never wanted for them to feel if they made a mistake, it would be an embarrassment. No baby is an embarrassment, it’s a blessing from the spirit. A gift that keeps on giving. I can only wish. With my story, others will really think about their opinions. Life is the greatest gift. Death is the absolute end. I am fine on the outside, it’s the torment on the Inside. My husband and I ended up divorced after 20 years. I think deep down between the abortion and watching my kids grow, always wondering what could have been. We drifted apart. I worked in a hospital, I was a nurse. You see it all. one of the patients was having her 10th abortion. It was supposed to be a saline termination. It didn’t go well. This poor little boy fought for its life. She ended up having to go through labor and deliver the baby. My shift started right as the baby was born. It was fully formed. Skin translucent. The tiniest fingers and toes.. This baby had small tears in it’s eyes from the pain he was suffering. You could see his tiny heart beating. Because he was born alive, we did all we could to save his life. I held the baby as it passed, so it wouldn’t be alone. I wanted him to feel some love..

Every day is a gift. Life is amazing. Children bring so much joy. I have and will spend the rest of my life doing no harm. I make sure I am there for anyone who needs me. God has granted me the gift of empathy. I use it daily. I have strangers in the food store telling me their stories, I listen and give a hug when needed. I guess that’s how I’ve come to find some semblance of peace. Lastly My kids are amazing and have always been and will be the light of my life.

—Anonymous

Hi Nina I figured I would share my story because I'm so disappointed in how society is acting over this issue. I had an abortion when I was younger. I didn't want it but my sisters told me a baby would ruin my life etc. My fiance was so shocked and I didn't even really talk it through with him. I found out when I was 12 weeks and 2 days after finding out I was in the clinic. I want people to know I talked to a lot of girls that day while waiting and not one was a rape victim, I think society likes to make it sound like these clinics are sad places full of underage girls and rape victims and it's not. Many knew what they were doing, it wasn't their first time and they didn't seem bothered. I can't even describe to you how I felt after but it felt as if my soul was gone, my world became black and I couldn't believe what I had done. I honestly put no thought into it. At the time I was working 2 jobs, lived with room mates etc and i had no one in my life to tell me to just stop and think before you do this. I have a 4 year old now and am pregnant with my 2nd. Not a day goes by I don't think about that choice for a split second. I was a ghost of a person for a long time after. My four yr old has a genetic disorder. I didn't get tested for this baby so I don't know if she has this disorder or not. I would not wish this disorder on any innocent child but her life is precious and it's not my choice to make. I wasn't in a much better position when I got pregnant with my son but I changed my life for him and life is better than ever. I want young girls to know they can do it, it's not a burden and it only makes their lives better. If I could tell my younger self anything or any girl thinking of an abortion I would say : This is not something to take lightly, please give it thought, know that you are not alone and things will get better.

Hi. Please, I would like to remain anonymous. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share my story. It's comforting to know I am not alone, yet so heartbreaking to feel the collective trauma of women - we are lied to, it's not health care. It's murder, and that weight is the heaviest thing a human can carry.

I had one when I was 20. I was seeing a married man, and it was my first time having sex. We used protection. When my period didn't show up, I couldn't believe it. I was angry. I was ashamed. I thought my life was over. I was one semester away from graduating university. I called my mom and told her, she was upset. I told her I was going to get rid of it (secretly wishing she would say "no! you can do it!"), she was crying, but told me she couldn't help me.

I was a poor college student, in a sinful relationship, and I was ashamed. I had to quietly remove the shame. I immediately called to make an appt. I told the father I was getting rid of it. He was so sad. His father even offered me $10k to keep it. But I was set, I believed my life was over if I kept it, and nothing could convince me otherwise. The day of my appt, on my way home from work I called my mom and told her I'm going to keep it, a wave of hope came over me and I felt I could do it. She told me no, I had to do it, and that I would be ok.

The father met me at my place to pick me up the day of, and we went. We sat in the lobby waiting with a handful of men, and when I went to the back, I sat with the women. All hooked up to IV's, given pain medication so we wouldn't feel a thing. Everyone was smiling. I had opted for the pills, but when I met for the consulatation, the doctor told me he could do it for me right then. I went in for an ultrasound and heard the heartbeat. The tech asked me if I wanted to see, but I declined. I was muted, I couldn't handle the reality of what I was about to do. I chose to feel nothing. When it was over, I felt nothing. No shame. No regret. I was free! Mistake erased. That feeling lasted about 8 months, then the subtle reminders came. They kept creeping up until I couldn't handle the weight of it.

Later that year I became severly depressed, and wanted to kill myself. I had the worst periods of my life, bleeding for months at a time. I almost died. I believed that was God's wrath for my choice. I'm still with the father, now married, and we talk about it often. We wonder what life would've been like, how beautiful that baby would've been, how we would've worked it out. The memory of what we did haunts us. We still haven't been able to get pregnant. I cry about it more so now than ever, especially seeing people say "it's just a clump of cells, my body, my choice, etc." The trauma resurfaces, and I replay that blip of time over and over again in my mind. It's been over five years.

I've come to Jesus and have laid my sorrows at the alter, I've repented, I've been forgiven. I refuse to let the darkness come over me, I refuse to accept the lies we are told, and the devil IS a liar. I would never encourage anyone to do what I did, the trauma that comes along with it is not worth it. There is no easy decision, but there is a right one. Choose life. God will see you through it.

I was 25. I was still studying for a professional qualification and living in a bedroom I rented in a house while working full time and repaying my student debt. It was early in our relationship. He said he couldn’t promise to be there for me. I come from an abusive home. Aside from physical violence my dad used to say that I would never have children and that nobody would ever love me. My absolute dream was to have children but when I found out it shattered me. I can only remember how absolutely terrified I was. That it was the wrong time, that I wasn’t ready. I had no one to speak to. I felt that I was not good enough for this baby and to offer him or her the life they deserved.

Doctors were obsessed with the procedure and the legal deadline as I’m in Europe. They kept saying I had nothing to offer this baby, no financial security, nothing. They kept saying if I realized afterwards I had made a mistake I could just simply get pregnant again. I was too scared of speaking to a pro-life association as I felt they’d push me in the other direction and hold me hostage. I wish there had been someone simply neutral and impartial to reassure me. I met one pro-life doctor but she scolded me and judged me. I went to a psychologist and she wrote on a black board 2 columns. One with the reasons to keep the baby and one with the reasons to terminate (ie high rent, student debt, no family, etc...) Then she showed I had no good reasons to keep that baby.

The whole time I felt like a robot or in a coma following doctors and doing as told. I prayed god to let me miscarry. I prayed that morning that I would drop the pill by mistake or that it wouldn’t work. Then I went to the hospital for the procedure and I was just crying, i couldn’t barely stand up. I remember waking up after the procedure and I was on a ward with 8 other women who had gone through that procedure. And they were all crying hysterically. And I thought “so I’m not the only one suffering, those other women suffered too?” And then the emptiness. From being surrounded by those doctors to suddenly being alone, squashed by the enormity of what I had done. I felt I had stabbed my soul and ripped a part of it and that I would never be whole again. I wanted to die for 2 years. I went back to that psychologist and she told me get over myself and that one day I’d remember this as a vague memory like my first high school breakup.

If only I had trusted life and myself and known that the love I had for that baby was enough, that life made pregnancy a 9-months process so things can fall into place smoothly and naturally. With each pregnancy after that I thought my baby would die as a punishment for what I had done.

Then I got pregnant with my son who was to be my last baby and they told me his due date. It was to be the anniversary day of my abortion. I couldn’t believe it. Out of 365 days. And I wondered if it was a sign. That he would die, that I would finally pay. Then I reassured myself that my previous babies were born one week late so it meant nothing. Well i went into labor that exact day and delivered that exact day. And then I knew. That god had forgiven me, that my baby was sending me a sign. That that day was to be a celebration of life.

I will regret this for the rest of my life. I truly believe that with the right support no women would ever get an abortion.

Nina, I’ve been following you and I am almost ready to become Catholic. I am Episcopal which we joke as being catholic lite. I had an abortion through the pill very early around 6 weeks for no good reason at all it just wasn’t convenient. I regret this more than anything in my life. I have it all, the career, the degree, the husband, the perfect life. Now I can’t get pregnant or have a baby and I believe God is making me live with my decision. I regret this decision to the core of my soul but I must accept the consequences of my decision. I am being led on another path. I have used my career to help others but I am haunted by this decision I made and I pray every night for forgiveness and redemption. Thank you for listening to my story. May God have mercy

I was raped by a "friend" from school. I was 15. My mother didn't even know I was pregnant from being raped, I was too traumatized to tell her and she just assumed I was having sex. I wasn't. She forced me to have an abortion. It destroyed me. I've never forgotten the month I got pregnant or when *he (always thought it was a boy) would have been born. My child would be 30 years old. I miraculously went on to have 2 sons after I got married. I had many issues getting pregnant. I relived the trauma during those pregnancies and births. I accepted Christ as my savior and finally got true counceling for the rape and abortion 2 short years ago. I wish I had done it much sooner, I can talk about it without being retruamatized but it's still very painful to think of a life taken, by me, and it's my own child

I felt like I died with my baby. Every waking second I thought of my baby. And I and I go to school and be a "normal" teenager. The thoughts an regret overtook wvery waking moment. And my dreams....I had nightmares for decades. I acted out. Became sexual active and went on to be sexually abused multiple more times because I had no respect for myself and no boundries. Because I didn't think I was worthy. I chose an abusive husband and have lived a rough life because of it.